Pretzel’s Secret
You think you know me, but you don’t. You’ve never seen the real me.
I’ve never been quite in focus to you.
It’s my fault, not yours:
Both Roadie and I are not who you think we are – we have a secret.
It’s time you know. My real name is not Pretzel
I am Special Agent Joe Friday,
I work for THE AGENCY, Badge number 714.
And this is Special Agent in Training, Billie Gannon, no badge number ’cause she can’t count yet.
We are here for Operation Dragnet.
“The facts, m’am, just the facts”… and maybe some treats.
I was assigned to keep an eye on you over a decade ago. It was believed in some higher circles, that your use of ordinary household items as Objets d’art was suspicious. Some said subversive. I’m glad to say, that as of today, you have not only been cleared, but given sub-secret clearance to be a part of Operation Dragnet.
We need your help. For several years now, you’ve been providing aid and shelter to a high ranking member of the suspect Ahl-Cattah network. Her name is Xiuhtecuhtli. 
You call her ‘Lucky’.We have no proof that ‘Lucky’ has done anything wrong, but we have a tip that she’s formed a tenuous and tense alliance with the local coyotes. We want to find out what that’s about. All we need for you to do is to keep doin’ what you’ve been doin’ and don’t let on that you know what you now know.
If you see or hear anything suspicious, let me know. I’ll include your info in my reports.
I file reports several times a day by licking ‘Roadie’s’ neck. My tongue triggers a piezoelectric effect that activates the Tesla coils embedded in the folds of her neck. These, in turn, generate the energy needed to format, encrypt then broadcast my message directly to the head office. This process, that I invented, is called by it’s code name, PRETZEL.
I’ve gotta say, it’s a relief to be able to level with you.
After all these years, you’re not just my most valued assets,
you are family to me. Welcome to the team!
And on a personal note, even though my paycheck says Joe Friday,
I’m proud to be ‘Pretzel’ to you.